Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Romance of the Undead


Sonia sat there uncomfortably waiting for David to return, going over in her head how things were going so far. It was her first blind date since the break up last spring. Her room mate Carol talked her into it. She said that David was a great guy, but didn’t know too much about him.

Carol and David worked together on the weekends at the yogurt shop. She said David was also fresh out of a bad relationship, which is how the subject was brought up. The suggestion that Carol would set them both up on a date was meant as a joke, but when David agreed, she had to follow through.


“I don’t like being called ‘Day-vid,’” he told Sonia when he arrive at her place to pick her up, “that’s just what everyone calls me at work. I prefer ‘Duh-beed’ because I’m proud of my heritage.”

“What do you have planned for tonight?” Sonia queried as they walked towards his Camry.

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?” David responded.

Sonia was baffled, and slightly annoyed. “I thought we’d go grab dinner someplace.”

“Alright. Where?” David asked as he opened his door and sat in the car. He motioned for her to go to the passenger side.

“Uh... Is there anywhere you had in mind?” Sonia walked around the car to get in.

“Not really,” David said.

“What?” Sonia couldn’t hear what he had said because the door was closed on her side.

“Not really,” he said louder.

“Do you like Thai food?” Sonia asked when she settled into the passenger seat, kicking a McDonald’s cup out of her floor space.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had it,” David said as he started the car’s engine. “Buckle your seat belt.”

“There’s a place just down the road here that -”

David cut her off, “Nah. I don’t think I want to try it.”

“What do you want then?” Sonia ask, adding irritation to her inflection.

“I don’t care.”

“Umm...” Sonia stared out the side window at the buildings whizzing past. He’s driving really fast, she thought. “There’s this new place I’ve heard about, L'heureux.”

David didn’t say anything for a few moments, looking intently at the road as he passed the car in front. “Too fancy,” he finally said. “We’d have to have reservations anyway.”

Which is why you should have prepared before you picked me up, she thought to her self with mounting frustration.

“I know!” David exclaimed, “There’s a noodle place a few miles from here.”

Great, she thought, ramen.


The few miles turned into a thirty-five minute drive, with two freeway changes. The drive was mostly in silence. Sonia held her purse on her lap, wincing every time David pulled up close behind another motorist before pulling around sharply. “Idiots,” he’d say under his breath. She wondered why he didn’t just change lanes sooner.

They pulled into a generic strip mall just off the freeway, lined with the same chain stores seen across the country in these suburban environments. The noodle place was called “Oodles of Noodles,” and had a line of patrons out the door - mostly college students, with the occasional impatient child.

“The wait won’t be too long,” David assured Sonia, “I come here all the time.”

They circled the parking lot two more times before finding a spot.


Waiting in line, David began sharing some of his philosophies on suburban life. He said these cookie-cutter strip malls reminded him of soviet-era construction. Repeatable, boring, familiar, cheap. The consumers who visit the shops: zombies, consuming what the cultural gatekeepers tell them to.

“Who listens to radio anymore? Even the mindless masses gave up on that monotony of vacuous series of interchangeable pop-stars.” Culture was consuming itself, in an endless cycle of gorging and purging, where even the most stiff of television personalities was in on the self-aware irony of the meaninglessness of their lives. “They make a living telling you who to like, but you already like these things, and that’s how it works. Nobody wants to hear about new artists, they just want their own interests confirmed in the eyes of others. But these ‘others’ are just people like themselves. Zombies.”

As the line slowly inched towards the counter, Sonia wondered if David has any interest in her, or if he just wanted to talk about himself. She became distracted with little things. The way the Yelp! sticker on the window was peeling off on the corners. The mismatched shoelaces on the girl in front of her. Is that peanut butter and prawns on those noodles? That could be good.

“What do you think?” David asked.

“I’m sorry ... about what?” her attention jerked back to David.

“What do you think about religion?”

“I’m pretty religious,” Sonia replied, surprised he finally asked her what she thought. “I go to church almost every week.”

“That’s stupid.”

Sonia was stunned. She made her displeasure known on her face.

“I mean, I get the social connections one gets from religion, but I don’t understand why it can’t just be about something else. Something of real value.” The line moved forward one step. “Sports fans are idiots, but at least their team has real, tangible attributes.”


At the register, finally, David ordered for both of them over the objections of Sonia. “Don’t worry, you’ll like it,” he told her.

“Two orders of Hot and Spicy Lime Chicken Noodles.” The young man behind the register said. “Anything to drink?”

“No thanks.” David responded, not looking at the employee. “That’s a split ticket.”

Oh, is that how it’s going to be? Sonia gave David a cutting sideways glace. He didn’t notice.

After they both paid for their separate dinners, David lead to a high bar stool along the side wall and sat down.

“It’s loud in here,” Sonia observed.

“It’s always like this.” David’s cellphone rang in his pocket. “I’ve got to take this.”

He bolted out of the seat and went outside.


As Sonia recounted the evening’s events leading up to this moment, she became angry. This is a waste of time, she thought to herself. It’s been an hour-and-a-half, is it too soon to call it quits, or is it better to get out now? She looked around the room at the other people, mostly having a good time.

David returned a few minutes after their entrees had arrived. He smiled at a few girls as he walked across the dining room.

“You know, Duh-veed,” Sonia looked him right in the eye, “I’d rather be with the zombies than with a monster like you!”

Sonia picked up her plate and walked over to the table with the girl with the mismatched shoelaces. “Do you mind if I join you?”

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