Going Home

In the movies and on television, people have the incredible ability to verbalize their emotions and personal failings. People in real life don't talk like that. It's a device to allow the viewer the ability to see inside the characters' mind. It provides on-screen empathy. Perhaps we're so detached from our own emotions that we have to rely on verbal cues to understand what the characters are feeling.

There are reasons why I moved so far away; reasons I can’t fully explain. When I look back on my past, it’s all a blur. I don’t have a touchstone to my past, no fond memories, and no memento or treasure of my family. I don’t have bad memories either, but a historic malaise. All I have is the fog of my family behind me, and a bright future ahead.

I’m stuck here in the middle, in the twilight between past and future. It feels like no matter what I do to break from my past, it holds fast. I’m not even sure I want to get out of the haze; it is all I’ve ever known.

Now that you are older, it makes this all the more difficult. I am now forced to deal with this on a daily basis. I can’t just ignore you and move on, I have to live in the in between.

Returning home to visit with you is a fairly anxious time for me. I don’t really know how to relate to you, nor how you expect me to relate. I don't know if you have ever encouraged me. I mean encouraged me to be pleased with myself, instead of grateful to please you. Spending time with you doesn’t contribute to a close relationship, but to more anxiety. Am I a bad person for feeling burdened by our relationship?

Family is supposed to be this place where everyone has shared memories and fond feelings. At least that’s what I picture family to be. Maybe I just have to accept this different family dynamic and live with it. When I watch movies where families come together, I get emotional because it’s a beautiful thing. It’s just a fantasy. Real families have issues.

I don’t know when I first realized I was in this state of familial anomie. It probably built on me over the last several years. Recently I’ve tried to better myself as a human being emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Facing my weaknesses head on must have illuminated your shortcomings as well, because I am who I am because of you.

Now that I have self esteem it's very difficult to relate with you in any way. It’s like I”m meeting someone for the very first time and not knowing what to say or how to act. It’s like our relationship has lost all context; which is ironic because without you I am nobody.

I’m here. I know where I am, but not who I am.